Each year seems to have a theme. Last year was the year of growing; growing in my faith, my marriage, in all aspects of my life. 2012 was rough and full of growing pains.
2013 though...it's been tough. More growing pains, but these ones are different.
I am not a very patient person and don't handle things well when I'm not in control of the situation, and I feel that God is testing me in every way possible in this area. Begging me to give it up to Him.
Early in January, we decided that we wanted another kid. We got pregnant so fast with the Monkey, we would definitely get pregnant right away...right? Boy we were wrong. We tried for five months with nothing, we were plagued with disappointment every month. Month after month I cried out to God, begging him to answer. And yes, five months is definitely not a long time in waiting to conceive. I've hand many friends that have waited and waited for years with no luck. However, when you're not used to waiting and things being out of your control, five months is an eternity.
After a lot of prayer and reflection, I came to the realization that God knows us before we're formed in our mothers womb. So, who am I to put so much pressure on getting pregnant. It will happen in God's timing.
Then one day in May, I got a positive! I had tested early, so we were cautious and didn't count on it too much. However, your emotions get tied into these things quickly, especially for the mom. I've heard it said that a dad becomes a father the first time he sees his child, however a mom becomes a mother at the very first positive test. That was true for me with the Monkey, and it was definitely true this time. I was so excited and couldn't wait. After a second pregnancy test a few days later, we figured we were good to go. Unfortunately, things don't go as planned, and without getting into gritty details, a few days later I was no longer pregnant.
They call it a chemical pregnancy. Where your body thinks your pregnant and you start to produce the hormone, but it just doesn't stick. It doesn't change the emotion and devastation that accompanies it though. That was your child that you'll never get to meet.
You never think it'll happen to you, then it does.
After a lot of praying and crying out to God, we remembered He was in control and was going to provide for us. He was bigger then this. So we moved forward. Not planning on getting pregnant right away, however we did. I was pregnant again by the middle of June. This time we were super cautious; waiting and praying that things would stick. During this time I found out that a good friend was pregnant too and we were both due 3 days apart. This was going to be awesome, we were going to be going through this together, day by day.
I went to my first check up, saw another friend who was also pregnant and due right around the same time, and everything was looking fine per the initial meeting with the nurse. So, we started telling people we were pregnant again. Then, a week later, I started spotting again. This time, I figured I had just worked too hard on the Monkey's 2nd birthday, so it was just my body telling me to relax. I got a doctors appointment for the next day where they did an ultrasound and told us that there was nothing in the sack that had attached. The next few days were excruciating and frustrating. I cried out to God constantly, praying for a miracle, however a miracle never came.
After this last time, the doctors told us we needed to wait at least six weeks from a negative pregnancy test before trying to get pregnant again. It took five weeks for all the hormones to get out of my body and for me to finally get a negative test.
Throughout that time, we contemplated the other major goal we had in our life...getting out of debt as fast as we can. Unfortunately, with a car dying, and having to take out another car loan in order to get a new car, we were three steps behind where we were when we started our Total Money Makeover and had begun Dave Ramseying it up. (Yes, we use Dave Ramsey's name as a verb in our house). Luckily, the housing market has begun to change and we have way more equity in our house than we thought. Why not try and sell our house in order to get some extra cash and pay off most of our debt? We'd only be left with one student loan and could knock that out quick if we found a cheep rental somewhere. Also, a new project to keep my mind off of obsessing about babies and counting the weeks until we can try again, sounded like a great idea.
So...the process of selling our house and moving began.
As I sit here and write this, it has only been two weeks since we signed the listing agreement, however it's felt like an eternity. We have received two offers, and countered one. However, when we countered, the buyer didn't accept our counter. Now, we're not getting the traffic we had anticipated. Things are out of my control and it's getting frustrating. The house we found and wanted to move into seems to be slipping out of our hands as each day goes by and we don't hear anything.
Throughout this process, numerous other people in my life are now pregnant, including my wonderful cousin-in-law. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic as these wonderful couples in my life get to experience what I get to experience everyday with the Monkey and I cannot wait to hold all of these new babies. However, there's still that small tug at my heart every time I think about it. Thinking about where I'd be right now if things had been different.
So, I sit here, contemplating this year of waiting.
Praying that God will hurry up and move. Come on...He's the King of the Universe, He can do things in my timing, can't he?
As I express my frustrations to my wonderful husband, he tells me God's timing is perfect and we need to give it up to God. He reaffirmed what I already know, that I don't wait well, and that I better learn or God will keep sending me on laps until I get it right.
So, as I gear up for another lap, my prayer is that this one will be different. That I'll be okay not in control this time. That I'll surrender to God's timing...
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