Scared

I heard of a book recently by Francis Chan called Crazy Love, and since Francis Chan was one of the best chapel speakers that I heard during the three years that I attended chapel at APU, I eagerly requested my good friends at the APU bookstore to hold a copy of this book for me so I could read this book. Even though we are starting it in our couples Bible Study in a month, I just couldn't wait, I was so excited to dive into this book.

I'm currently on page 68 of this wonderfully written book and I'm honestly scared to continue reading. This book has presented numerous concepts that we've all learned over the years growing up in the church, and brushed them into the neat and tidy "Sunday School Lessons" pile that we bring out when we're trying to appear good on the outside. Concepts like the fact that God is all-knowing, all-powerful, holy, and eternal, or that no day is guaranteed and I could die before I finish writing this blog. There have been thought provoking thoughts and quotes throughout these 68 pages, but I've gotten to this point now, this point where I'm terrified to continue reading.

I've reached the chapter entitled "Profile of the Lukewarm", which corresponds to Revelations 3:16 "So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth." This verse is not new to me, I've heard it numerous times throughout my life. However, it never really hit me before like it did today.

I've always been relatively consistent in attending church, I'll even volunteer every once in a while, when it fits in my schedule, of course. I attended a Christian university, took numerous classes that dealt with the Christian faith and understanding certain books of the Bible on a deeper level, of course these classes were mandatory and I needed them in order to graduate. I attended chapel for three out of the four years that I attended APU, but I made sure I used my ten absences and might have even had a friend fill out a chapel attendance card for me once in a while. I have always tried to maintain the appearance of being a Christian and have consistently worn masks depending on who I am around, careful not to offend anyone either way. I'll even use the customary "I'll be praying for you" statement on numerous occasions, way too many to count actually. Looking back, I've always flown right under the radar and have been careful not to try to offend people when I talk about what school I attended or what I do with my weekends.

All of this I can explain away, obviously, its what I do best. Being a 6' tall girl it's hard not to stand out, and since I tend to lean towards being introvert, I tried my best to do nothing that made me stand out amongst the crowds. I enjoyed being mediocre at things, it never brought too much attention to me. So why wouldn't those traits be passed over into my walk with God as well?

All of this has led me to this point, where I'm scared to continue reading this book about a Crazy Love that we're supposed to have with God. If I'm supposed to truly be a Christ Follower, like I have claimed to be for the past 17 years of my life, my idea of what that looks like is going to need to change. The following quote is where I've stopped reading and has driven this self loathing ramble that I've been on for the past 20 minutes.

"Are you satisfied being 'godly enough' to get yourself to heaven, or to look good in comparison to others? Or can you say with Paul that you 'want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death' (Phil 3:10)?"

This quote has me terrified, not because I'm afraid that this is the wrong decision or that I don't want to love God as much as He wants me too, it's more because my life has to change. I can no longer quietly follow God and do the bare minimum in order to get by and to get myself only into heaven. I must change how not only I follow God but also how I live my life, which will mean that I will have to stand out amongst the crowd. Not only that, but I'm going to have to change the way I live my life. Francis Chan also gives another example using the parable that Jesus taught about the sower and the field. I've always assumed that I was good soil, how wrong have I been. "A relationship with God simply cannot grow when money, sins, activities, favorite sports teams, addictions, or commitments are piled on top of it...Has your relationship with God actually changed the way you live? Do you see evidence of God's kingdom in your life? Or are you chocking it out slowly by spending too much time, energy, money, and thought on the things of this world?" (p. 67)

I'm going to have to change my comfortable life, remove my numerous distractions, and relearn how to live and love a God that deserves so much more then I have given him in the past. This is going to be a huge step for me and is going to require a lot of work within myself in order to give myself 110% unto God. I ask for your prayers as I embark on this journey, not only that I will continue to change and develop a deeper love for God that ends up radiating out of me, but that I don't fall back into my old ways where I'm just a face amongst the crowd. I want to stand out and use all of me in everything that I am to glorify my God and give Him the love and honor He deserves.