Absolute Surrender

A few weeks ago I was looking through my Kindle archive trying to find a good book to read. I finished the Hunger Games series so it was time to find a new book to read. When looking through my archive, I stumbled upon a book I've been avoiding, Andrew Murray's Absolute Surrender. I downloaded it, not remembering why I had been avoiding this book. Well I do now.

In short (and very very short) this book is all about living a life of complete and absolute surrender to God; living a life of complete faith and trust in God. It's easy to write, it's easy to even say, however living it is a completely different story. 

Why is it so hard to surrender everything? 

I sit here at work thinking about everything in my career that hasn't turned out right. I think about the fact that I should have a better job or a better something by now. I've worked hard, I deserve it. I sit here and think about how I received yet another no this week; how another opportunity has slipped through my fingers. I sit here as I wait on news from another potential job opportunity feeling completely down and insecure. If I don't get this next job, where do I go from here? Where do I even start looking again? What else can I do?

As I sit here in a cloud of self pity and doubt, I hear that small voice in the back of my head saying just surrender. Trust me. I have it taken care of. 

Why is that so hard? Why does the control freak in me fight so hard against giving it all up? God deserves my surrender. God deserves that and so much more. 

I want to live a life of absolute surrender in everything. And to be honest, there have been moments when this hasn't been as difficult. Like the time that Madison was so sick and was running a very inconsistent fever which caused her to have a febrile seizure when her fever spiked rapidly. I knew God was in control. I knew that while he has blessed me with the opportunity to raise this precious little girl, in all actuality she belongs to Him. I knew in that moment that she was in His hands and that He was in charge of the situation. 

Why is it easier to have complete and amazing trust and faith in God during huge situations, however when it comes to the day to day things I struggle? 

I want to be an example to Madison. I want to live a life of absolute surrender. Doesn't God ask for it?

My prayer is not that I get this job or that things work out the way that I want them to. My prayer is that I am able to complete trust God throughout this process. 

Motherhood

This post is from September, and I stumbled up on it today and realized that I never published it. So here it is...


It's been a while since I've been on here. I've spent the last few weeks trying to update this blog because I wanted a place to post thoughts and memories that I can share with Madison when she is older. With her three month birthday right around the corner, I figured I better get this started before she's 18 and headed off to college. With that being said, here's the official relaunch of The Tavs.

Three months ago, on June 21, my life changed in such a dramatic and wonderful way, I became a mom. It's still weird to think about and to say those words. I'm a mom! I still feel like I'm too young to be married with a house, let alone be a mom. There are those weird days when I keep expecting someone to come pick up Madison and take her home to be with them. She can't possibly be mine.

Over the past three months, there have been those few moments where I've wondered how I was going to explain to the cops why I ran a red light or two, because the second the car stops the crying begins. Times when I've had to lay on the couch with pillows over my ears to block out the crying for just a few moments. Frustrations over feedings. And times where I feel completely overwhelmed. However, it is in those precious moments, when she first wakes up and smiles at me or when she thinks its funny when she burps that make all of this completely amazing!

My prayer for her life is that she learns what a blessing it is to have a personal relationship with our Lord and Savior and that she will help change the world for the better. That she will love unconditionally and have an amazing faith in people. 

Getting Out of the Way

I've taken numerous personality tests over the past few years, and they have all consistently said that I am a High D on the DISC test. Which basically means I have an insane drive in order to get things done. This didn't come as a shock to me, as I've always known that I have a desire to achieve things, and get things done and get them done well. I create task lists all assigned to different projects I'm working on and will make sure that everything gets checked off and that the project goes off perfectly. I will usually take on more then I can handle, but no one will ever know, and I will do whatever I have to do in order to get that done.

Recently, I've taken on a lot of responsibility in doing Outreach. I love every minute of it and feel like I'm finally fulfilling what I was called for. However, I've noticed something recently. I've made these outreach events/trips as something just to check of my to do list. I get caught up in the details and make it more about me and getting things done then allowing God to move. I know God always comes and moves in great ways whenever we do these events/trips, however, I feel like I'm getting in the way. I'm more focused on the outcome of the events/trip and making sure that ll of my tasks are done correctly then allowing God to come in and use me to get His work done. 

So, I'm getting out of the way. I'm allowing God to use me to get His work done, not the other way around. All of this isn't about me and getting things done, it's about God using me so that even one person can experience hope and love! 

Rest

It seems like rest is a common topic these days, as I read other blogs or talk to people, everyone wants prayer for rest. I feel like my life is on fast forward constantly and sometimes I feel like I can't catch up. With a new job, which is a blessing, and new opportunities at PURE (which I love) I feel like I'm constantly on the run. Constantly running from one meeting to another at work, while work starts slipping through the cracks, then after I leave here I run to a meeting at church or Bible Study or what not. And while I feel as if all of those things are a huge blessing in my life and I love doing all of them, I just don't feel like I'm getting rest anymore and that is affecting my relationship with God.

I sit there on Wednesday nights and listen to Shane talk about having a relationship with God that does not wither, that is constantly growing, and I feel like I fill my life with so much "stuff" that I don't have time to focus on God. I'm in the middle of reading Mad Church Disease by Anne Jackson (who is also doing as series on rest on her blog right now), and everything I read is dead on and how I feel about my life. I'm constantly worrying about keeping appointments or making sure tasks are done. I never stop and rest in the Lord.

Even as I sit here I fight it, I fight the desire to rest in the Lord. I sit here and think, but wait, we're moving next weekend, I have a million things to get done at work, I'm training for a half marathon, I have Cambodia and Mexico to keep trucking away at, however all of this would not be possible without God, so why am I leaving Him out of the equation. My prayer for the upcoming weekend and week is that I take the opportunities in my day to rest in the Lord, and that the Lord will calm my thoughts and I will stop thinking about my to do list, and that I can rest in His Presence and focus on Him and His plans for me, not what I want to get done that day.

All Hope is Not Lost

I saw a very discouraging bumper sticker on my way into work today, all it said was "All hope is lost". This statement broke my heart as I realized that as a Christian community we're not doing what we're called to be doing in our own cities.

So often I think of outreach as going to international countries, going to Mexico for the weekend, or serving the people on Skid Row. However, here is this person that  is here in my community, yet I fail to reach out and show them Jesus' love. Why are we so quick to help those in other countries, yet shy away from helping anyone in our own community and cities?

As Christians, we should be shouting that all hope is not lost to anyone that is willing to hear us.

Holding Pattern

It's coming up on my one year anniversary at the hospital, which means its time for my annual review. My boss sent me an email asking me to send her a list of my goals for next year, and I realized I don't know what they are. Having such a huge career change this past year, I have no clue what I want my career goals to be or even what they should be. When I was working in Marketing, I knew that the ultimate goal was becoming a Marketing Manager, so I wanted to become a Marketing Coordinator then work my way up. Here, in Finance land, I don't know what the next step is.

When she first asked me what my goals were, I started listing off things in my head. Well there's the obvious, Love God and people more, close escrow on our house...basketball season is starting soon, so another goal would be that I have a great team of amazing girls again this year, other than that. I'm not sure what I would want. It's so funny to have goals outside of work and my career. For years, all of my goals were related to my career and getting ahead, its funny how things change.

After getting hired on at the hospital, and I went through three or four multiple career plans. I started my teaching credential, I thought about going into business for myself, all random ideas that lead me no where. Until one day I finally felt God calling me just to wait. Wait in Him because He has a plan for my life, and right now I'm right where I need to be. I don't know if my job will change once we get a house, or if I'll be at the hospital forever. Right now my life is in a holding pattern. I'm ready to take off, but I'm getting held up by air traffic control, until they're ready to let me take off.

If you had asked me a year or so ago, or even when I graduated from grad school, I would have been so frustrated that I didn't have an ultimate career goal or path to get achieve that goal.  I was okay with being that intense about life and my career, one of my top strengths was achiever. Today, I'm okay with not having a goal. I'm perfectly fine getting up every day and coming to a job that I feel so blessed to have. While its not my ideal job or really what I want to do for the rest of my life, this job has provided way more opportunities then I'd get anywhere else.

I know God has a plan for my life, and I'm willing to sit and wait for Him to reveal it to me instead of trying to find it on my own.

"It's time to let go!"

I recently watched one of my all time favorite movies, Walt Disney and Pixar's Finding Nemo. I really enjoy everything about this movie, however there is always one of the scenes that stand out to me.

While trying to find Nemo, Marlin and Dory come across a Humpback Whale, that Dory insists on asking for help, because she can speak whale. As she's speaking to this whale, the whale proceeds to open its mouth and "eat" the two traveling buddies. While in this whale's mouth Dory is enjoying the ride while the worrier that Marlin is, is protesting everything and every moment they're in this whale's mouth. Then at the very climactic moment of the scene, the amount water in the whale's mouth begins to drop and it appears that Marlin and Dory are done for. Dory asks the whale what to do, being that she can speak and understand whale, she tells Marlin that the whale insists on heading to the back of his throat. Dory eagerly does what the whale says, where Marlin protests and hangs on to one of the whale's taste buds for as long as he can.

Dory: He (the whale) says, "It's time to let go!". Everything's going to be all right! 

Marlin: How do you know? How do you know something bad isn't gonna happen?! 

Dory: I-I don't!

After that Dory lets go and both her and Marlin are shot out of this giant whale's blow hole and they end up exactly where they needed to be.

It's amazing to me, because this one short scene in the movie is the one that usually stands out the most to me. How often do I ask God for his help, however I refuse to let go and trust Him when He tells me its time. I protest constantly along the road of getting to where God wants me to be and get terrified when I'm told to let go because I don't know what the next step is or where I'm going to end up. However, every time I've surrendered to God and let go, I always end up exactly where God wants me.

How I wish I had the faith that Dory had in that whale, to relinquish control and to trust completely in the plans that God has for me.