2013...The Year of Waiting

We're almost nine months in, and I feel like 2013 is the year of waiting. 

Each year seems to have a theme. Last year was the year of growing; growing in my faith, my marriage, in all aspects of my life. 2012 was rough and full of growing pains. 

2013 though...it's been tough. More growing pains, but these ones are different. 

I am not a very patient person and don't handle things well when I'm not in control of the situation, and I feel that God is testing me in every way possible in this area. Begging me to give it up to Him. 

Early in January, we decided that we wanted another kid. We got pregnant so fast with the Monkey, we would definitely get pregnant right away...right? Boy we were wrong. We tried for five months with nothing, we were plagued with disappointment every month. Month after month I cried out to God, begging him to answer. And yes, five months is definitely not a long time in waiting to conceive. I've hand many friends that have waited and waited for years with no luck. However, when you're not used to waiting and things being out of your control, five months is an eternity.

After a lot of prayer and reflection, I came to the realization that God knows us before we're formed in our mothers womb. So, who am I to put so much pressure on getting pregnant. It will happen in God's timing. 

Then one day in May, I got a positive! I had tested early, so we were cautious and didn't count on it too much. However, your emotions get tied into these things quickly, especially for the mom. I've heard it said that a dad becomes a father the first time he sees his child, however a mom becomes a mother at the very first positive test. That was true for me with the Monkey, and it was definitely true this time. I was so excited and couldn't wait. After a second pregnancy test a few days later, we figured we were good to go. Unfortunately, things don't go as planned, and without getting into gritty details, a few days later I was no longer pregnant. 

They call it a chemical pregnancy. Where your body thinks your pregnant and you start to produce the hormone, but it just doesn't stick. It doesn't change the emotion and devastation that accompanies it though. That was your child that you'll never get to meet. 

You never think it'll happen to you, then it does. 

After a lot of praying and crying out to God, we remembered He was in control and was going to provide for us. He was bigger then this. So we moved forward. Not planning on getting pregnant right away, however we did. I was pregnant again by the middle of June. This time we were super cautious; waiting and praying that things would stick. During this time I found out that a good friend was pregnant too and we were both due 3 days apart. This was going to be awesome, we were going to be going through this together, day by day. 

I went to my first check up, saw another friend who was also pregnant and due right around the same time, and everything was looking fine per the initial meeting with the nurse. So, we started telling people we were pregnant again. Then, a week later, I started spotting again. This time, I figured I had just worked too hard on the Monkey's 2nd birthday, so it was just my body telling me to relax. I got a doctors appointment for the next day where they did an ultrasound and told us that there was nothing in the sack that had attached. The next few days were excruciating and frustrating. I cried out to God constantly, praying for a miracle, however a miracle never came. 

After this last time, the doctors told us we needed to wait at least six weeks from a negative pregnancy test before trying to get pregnant again. It took five weeks for all the hormones to get out of my body and for me to finally get a negative test. 

Throughout that time, we contemplated the other major goal we had in our life...getting out of debt as fast as we can. Unfortunately, with a car dying, and having to take out another car loan in order to get a new car, we were three steps behind where we were when we started our Total Money Makeover and had begun Dave Ramseying it up. (Yes, we use Dave Ramsey's name as a verb in our house). Luckily, the housing market has begun to change and we have way more equity in our house than we thought. Why not try and sell our house in order to get some extra cash and pay off most of our debt? We'd only be left with one student loan and could knock that out quick if we found a cheep rental somewhere. Also, a new project to keep my mind off of obsessing about babies and counting the weeks until we can try again, sounded like a great idea. 

So...the process of selling our house and moving began. 

As I sit here and write this, it has only been two weeks since we signed the listing agreement, however it's felt like an eternity. We have received two offers, and countered one. However, when we countered, the buyer didn't accept our counter. Now, we're not getting the traffic we had anticipated. Things are out of my control and it's getting frustrating. The house we found and wanted to move into seems to be slipping out of our hands as each day goes by and we don't hear anything.

Throughout this process, numerous other people in my life are now pregnant, including my wonderful cousin-in-law. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic as these wonderful couples in my life get to experience what I get to experience everyday with the Monkey and I cannot wait to hold all of these new babies. However, there's still that small tug at my heart every time I think about it. Thinking about where I'd be right now if things had been different. 

So, I sit here, contemplating this year of waiting. 

Praying that God will hurry up and move. Come on...He's the King of the Universe, He can do things in my timing, can't he? 

As I express my frustrations to my wonderful husband, he tells me God's timing is perfect and we need to give it up to God. He reaffirmed what I already know, that I don't wait well, and that I better learn or God will keep sending me on laps until I get it right. 

So, as I gear up for another lap, my prayer is that this one will be different. That I'll be okay not in control this time. That I'll surrender to God's timing... 

Absolute Surrender

A few weeks ago I was looking through my Kindle archive trying to find a good book to read. I finished the Hunger Games series so it was time to find a new book to read. When looking through my archive, I stumbled upon a book I've been avoiding, Andrew Murray's Absolute Surrender. I downloaded it, not remembering why I had been avoiding this book. Well I do now.

In short (and very very short) this book is all about living a life of complete and absolute surrender to God; living a life of complete faith and trust in God. It's easy to write, it's easy to even say, however living it is a completely different story. 

Why is it so hard to surrender everything? 

I sit here at work thinking about everything in my career that hasn't turned out right. I think about the fact that I should have a better job or a better something by now. I've worked hard, I deserve it. I sit here and think about how I received yet another no this week; how another opportunity has slipped through my fingers. I sit here as I wait on news from another potential job opportunity feeling completely down and insecure. If I don't get this next job, where do I go from here? Where do I even start looking again? What else can I do?

As I sit here in a cloud of self pity and doubt, I hear that small voice in the back of my head saying just surrender. Trust me. I have it taken care of. 

Why is that so hard? Why does the control freak in me fight so hard against giving it all up? God deserves my surrender. God deserves that and so much more. 

I want to live a life of absolute surrender in everything. And to be honest, there have been moments when this hasn't been as difficult. Like the time that Madison was so sick and was running a very inconsistent fever which caused her to have a febrile seizure when her fever spiked rapidly. I knew God was in control. I knew that while he has blessed me with the opportunity to raise this precious little girl, in all actuality she belongs to Him. I knew in that moment that she was in His hands and that He was in charge of the situation. 

Why is it easier to have complete and amazing trust and faith in God during huge situations, however when it comes to the day to day things I struggle? 

I want to be an example to Madison. I want to live a life of absolute surrender. Doesn't God ask for it?

My prayer is not that I get this job or that things work out the way that I want them to. My prayer is that I am able to complete trust God throughout this process. 

Motherhood

This post is from September, and I stumbled up on it today and realized that I never published it. So here it is...


It's been a while since I've been on here. I've spent the last few weeks trying to update this blog because I wanted a place to post thoughts and memories that I can share with Madison when she is older. With her three month birthday right around the corner, I figured I better get this started before she's 18 and headed off to college. With that being said, here's the official relaunch of The Tavs.

Three months ago, on June 21, my life changed in such a dramatic and wonderful way, I became a mom. It's still weird to think about and to say those words. I'm a mom! I still feel like I'm too young to be married with a house, let alone be a mom. There are those weird days when I keep expecting someone to come pick up Madison and take her home to be with them. She can't possibly be mine.

Over the past three months, there have been those few moments where I've wondered how I was going to explain to the cops why I ran a red light or two, because the second the car stops the crying begins. Times when I've had to lay on the couch with pillows over my ears to block out the crying for just a few moments. Frustrations over feedings. And times where I feel completely overwhelmed. However, it is in those precious moments, when she first wakes up and smiles at me or when she thinks its funny when she burps that make all of this completely amazing!

My prayer for her life is that she learns what a blessing it is to have a personal relationship with our Lord and Savior and that she will help change the world for the better. That she will love unconditionally and have an amazing faith in people. 

Getting Out of the Way

I've taken numerous personality tests over the past few years, and they have all consistently said that I am a High D on the DISC test. Which basically means I have an insane drive in order to get things done. This didn't come as a shock to me, as I've always known that I have a desire to achieve things, and get things done and get them done well. I create task lists all assigned to different projects I'm working on and will make sure that everything gets checked off and that the project goes off perfectly. I will usually take on more then I can handle, but no one will ever know, and I will do whatever I have to do in order to get that done.

Recently, I've taken on a lot of responsibility in doing Outreach. I love every minute of it and feel like I'm finally fulfilling what I was called for. However, I've noticed something recently. I've made these outreach events/trips as something just to check of my to do list. I get caught up in the details and make it more about me and getting things done then allowing God to move. I know God always comes and moves in great ways whenever we do these events/trips, however, I feel like I'm getting in the way. I'm more focused on the outcome of the events/trip and making sure that ll of my tasks are done correctly then allowing God to come in and use me to get His work done. 

So, I'm getting out of the way. I'm allowing God to use me to get His work done, not the other way around. All of this isn't about me and getting things done, it's about God using me so that even one person can experience hope and love! 

Rest

It seems like rest is a common topic these days, as I read other blogs or talk to people, everyone wants prayer for rest. I feel like my life is on fast forward constantly and sometimes I feel like I can't catch up. With a new job, which is a blessing, and new opportunities at PURE (which I love) I feel like I'm constantly on the run. Constantly running from one meeting to another at work, while work starts slipping through the cracks, then after I leave here I run to a meeting at church or Bible Study or what not. And while I feel as if all of those things are a huge blessing in my life and I love doing all of them, I just don't feel like I'm getting rest anymore and that is affecting my relationship with God.

I sit there on Wednesday nights and listen to Shane talk about having a relationship with God that does not wither, that is constantly growing, and I feel like I fill my life with so much "stuff" that I don't have time to focus on God. I'm in the middle of reading Mad Church Disease by Anne Jackson (who is also doing as series on rest on her blog right now), and everything I read is dead on and how I feel about my life. I'm constantly worrying about keeping appointments or making sure tasks are done. I never stop and rest in the Lord.

Even as I sit here I fight it, I fight the desire to rest in the Lord. I sit here and think, but wait, we're moving next weekend, I have a million things to get done at work, I'm training for a half marathon, I have Cambodia and Mexico to keep trucking away at, however all of this would not be possible without God, so why am I leaving Him out of the equation. My prayer for the upcoming weekend and week is that I take the opportunities in my day to rest in the Lord, and that the Lord will calm my thoughts and I will stop thinking about my to do list, and that I can rest in His Presence and focus on Him and His plans for me, not what I want to get done that day.

All Hope is Not Lost

I saw a very discouraging bumper sticker on my way into work today, all it said was "All hope is lost". This statement broke my heart as I realized that as a Christian community we're not doing what we're called to be doing in our own cities.

So often I think of outreach as going to international countries, going to Mexico for the weekend, or serving the people on Skid Row. However, here is this person that  is here in my community, yet I fail to reach out and show them Jesus' love. Why are we so quick to help those in other countries, yet shy away from helping anyone in our own community and cities?

As Christians, we should be shouting that all hope is not lost to anyone that is willing to hear us.

Holding Pattern

It's coming up on my one year anniversary at the hospital, which means its time for my annual review. My boss sent me an email asking me to send her a list of my goals for next year, and I realized I don't know what they are. Having such a huge career change this past year, I have no clue what I want my career goals to be or even what they should be. When I was working in Marketing, I knew that the ultimate goal was becoming a Marketing Manager, so I wanted to become a Marketing Coordinator then work my way up. Here, in Finance land, I don't know what the next step is.

When she first asked me what my goals were, I started listing off things in my head. Well there's the obvious, Love God and people more, close escrow on our house...basketball season is starting soon, so another goal would be that I have a great team of amazing girls again this year, other than that. I'm not sure what I would want. It's so funny to have goals outside of work and my career. For years, all of my goals were related to my career and getting ahead, its funny how things change.

After getting hired on at the hospital, and I went through three or four multiple career plans. I started my teaching credential, I thought about going into business for myself, all random ideas that lead me no where. Until one day I finally felt God calling me just to wait. Wait in Him because He has a plan for my life, and right now I'm right where I need to be. I don't know if my job will change once we get a house, or if I'll be at the hospital forever. Right now my life is in a holding pattern. I'm ready to take off, but I'm getting held up by air traffic control, until they're ready to let me take off.

If you had asked me a year or so ago, or even when I graduated from grad school, I would have been so frustrated that I didn't have an ultimate career goal or path to get achieve that goal.  I was okay with being that intense about life and my career, one of my top strengths was achiever. Today, I'm okay with not having a goal. I'm perfectly fine getting up every day and coming to a job that I feel so blessed to have. While its not my ideal job or really what I want to do for the rest of my life, this job has provided way more opportunities then I'd get anywhere else.

I know God has a plan for my life, and I'm willing to sit and wait for Him to reveal it to me instead of trying to find it on my own.